Restless + Exhausted.
That pretty much sums it up. Every day Brian and I rush from one thing to the next, work, painting, laundry, groceries, youth group, birthday parties, weddings, blogging, planning, emailing, baseball coaching, and then by five my brain is fried, and I scrape together dinner with whatever I can find, before zoning out on the couch, falling asleep, then going to bed. And then Brian falls instantly to sleep, and I lay awake for a few hours. Then we get up and go-go-go the next day.
"We're busy," Brian responds to inquiries. We are busy, too busy. And yet, nothing seems to get done.
It seems like we never have anything to eat, we forgot to send that youth group email, we still need to plan for our trip to Iowa in a week, I didn't have time to blog, there's still a long list of to-dos not crossed off. It feels like some kind of twighlight zone/Narnia thing, always busy but never productive.
And always tired. We drag ourselves out of bed, and collapse at night. Some of it, for Brian at least, is physical exhaustion, now that he's getting up earlier, working a full day, then coaching baseball afterwards. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Work has been hard lately; anxiety inducing stress overload. On top of that, I didn't get a job I applied for that I really wanted. And I still haven't had any sales from Scribbles Shoppe.
I've been refusing rest, constantly driving myself on, or filling my time with distractions. I think the real reason I'm so busy is that I'm trying to run. I don't want to slow down, because then I'll feel it. Disappointment. Fear.
And I am afraid. Afraid of being stuck in a job I don't enjoy. Afraid of quitting, and then failing at having my own business. Afraid of the future, afraid of what's next, afraid of not knowing. Afraid that there isn't a next. Afraid of selling myself short, afraid of setting my sights too high. Afraid of wasting time, and afraid of not doing anything worthwhile with my life.
Is it any coincidence I read this yesterday morning?
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Psalms 46: 10-11
I keep reading it, over and over, and it hushes the fears with the whisper: Be still. And know that I am God.